what you will

If you could do it, I suppose, it would be a good idea to live your life in a straight line - starting, say, in the Dark Wood of Error, and proceeding by logical steps through Hell and Purgatory and into Heaven. Or you could take the King's Highway past appropriately named dangers, toils, and snares, and finally cross the River of Death and enter the Celestial City. But that is not the way I have done it, so far. I am a pilgrim, but my pilgrimage has been wandering and unmarked. Often what looked like a straight line to me has been a circle or doubling back. I have been in the Dark Wood of Error any number of times. I have known something of Hell, Purgatory, and Heaven, but not always in that order. The names of many snares and dangers have been made known to me, but I have seen them only in looking back. Often I have not known where I was going until I was already there. I have had my share of desires and goals, but my life has come to me or I have gone to it mainly by way of mistakes and surprises. Often I have received better than I deserved. Often my fairest hopes have rested on bad mistakes. I am an ignorant pilgrim, crossing a dark valley. And yet for a long time, looking back, I have been unable to shake off the feeling that I have been led - make of that what you will.

Wendell Berry, Jayber Crow

caring & not caring

All of us, I think, are in some manner torn between caring and not caring, staying and going.

Wendell Berry
Another Turn of the Crank

Teach us to care and not to care
Teach us to sit still

T.S. Eliot 
Ash Wednesday

Feast of the Epiphany

Last night I dreamed, for the second time this week, that people were bashing my teeth out with hammers.

This morning I woke up in a cold sweat, convinced that I needed to look up every word I've ever said to anyone I've ever known to make sure that I meant what I was saying, or saying what I thought I meant.

This afternoon I was snappish on the phone with my mother because I can not solve her problems or my own or anyone else's in any way that sticks.

This evening I looked down and realized my dress was on inside-out as I walked into church.

Tonight I ate a feast and both learned and knew all over again that nothing else really matters that much in the end.