If pressed to list one thing I'm good at, taking tests would be the first thing to come to mind. (If pressed to list things am bad at, would say spatial reasoning, ironing, logic, jigsaw puzzles, reading maps, small talk at parties, spelling, not spilling things.) My whole life I have been the person who can sit in the back of the classroom and daydream, go dancing the night before, show up rumpled and without a pencil, and somehow still ace the exam. Mind you, I'm not boasting. It was well into college before I truly learned the need for concentration, hard work, discipline - how these virtues need flexing and stretching in the classroom to prepare one for (the way in which I, at least, want to live my) real, non-academic, meaningful life.
This week I have to take a big exam. And somehow, though I have taken my aptitude for tests and steeped it in study, preparation, strategy, and a million practice questions, I am a nervous wreck. I'm all itchy and twitchy; sleep escapes me. The knot in the pit of my stomach is bigger than any job interview, first date, or the Monday morning after I'd stranded my boss in Phoenix for the weekend. So desperately do I want it to be over...and yet so thoroughly do I dread the results.
I went home for the weekend, partially to celebrate my great, fine father and partially because being with Little Rat and my mother, unconditional supporters masquerading as the peanut gallery, is the only thing that tempers the nerves. Last night, my father read some statistics about the test and my mother said she had every confidence in me. Little Rat called me Nurse Kathy and then told me he'd pray for me. After we said good night, I laid in bed and tried to recall lab values for alanine transaminase (8-20 u/L) and what to do for pulseless ventricular tachycardia (defibrillate! stat!). My brain physically hurt, though, as if my gray matter was literally bursting at the seams with information. Earlier in the day, my friend and I were talking about the specific heat of water and I was near to distraught that I'd forgotten it. So much useless information, crowding out the necessary things to know. So, in the dark of my parents' spare room, I took deep breaths and said aloud all those things that I'm willing to forget to make room in my brain for this new information: my college boyfriend's mother's sisters' names, the lyrics to every track on Jagged Little Pill, the client/matter numbers for all the clients at my old firm. Goodbye. Gone.
That's as far as I got, though. No matter how useless it may be to me now, I don't want to let go of the list of train stations between Ikebukuro and Kotesashi on the Seibu-Ikebukuro line. I refuse to forget the way the my grandfather would cave to our pleading, put our stuffed animals on the blades of the ceiling fan, and watch us squeal with delight as they flew across the room. Or the way that my other grandfather would call out as we filed out of the house Don't forget. Granddad love you kids. World capitals are a must keep, along with US Presidents, Renaissance painters, Greek mythology, and my first kiss. As tempting as it is, I don't think I should forget all the awkward conversations with the boy who broke my heart, all the mortifying times good people pulled me aside and said hard things for my benefit, the shame of breaking my parents' trust or hurting my sisters' feelings. Without the weight of these anchors, what's to keep me from unlearning my lessons, from reverting to the inadequate, inconsiderate behavior of my youth? Perhaps I'm a memory pack rat, but at least I don't compartmentalize.
Sorting through my mind's content, like items for a garage sale, the significance of this exam began to shrink back into its proper place. If I don't pass this exam, it will mess up my here & now plans a bit. This grown-up life, this start of a career, is all teed up -- and after bouncing around like a pin ball for so many years, an almost physical ache for patch of permanence, a bit of settled, courses through me. I love nursing, I do. In so many ways, it is a perfect fit and I'm excited about the job that I will start in July in the Emergency Department. But it's only a small part of the bigger picture. When I think of the sort of life I want to live, I imagine a pasture full of cows, a house full of kids, shelves full of books, pots full of soup -- days full of taking care of my neighbors, whoever they may be. None of those things hinge on a nursing license. And if I'm pressed to say one thing I'm truly good at, it's getting from here to there by circuitous, surprising route, enjoying the ride all the while.
21 June 2010
15 June 2010
honesty
Tonight at dinner I did my best to imitate the noise our cows make. Little Rat arched his eyebrows at me. No offense Kathy, but Yes offense as well. You need work as a cow.
09 June 2010
Get Out of Jail Free Card
I did not intend to go into pediatric nursing. I generally prefer multi-syllabic words to baby talk, hearing the word"potty" makes my skin crawl, and I don't think all babies are cute and sweet. I've met some down right spiteful ones, actually.
But then half way through nursing school I needed a job and the one that fell in my lap, straight out of the sky, was at a pediatrician's office. So I took it, tried hard as I could to be useful and grateful for a job that didn't involve animal fur, and concentrated on not dropping any babies between the exam table and the scale. The doctor is hilarious, brilliant, and kind, the receptionist is hilarious, efficient, and kind. I just try to be kind. And figure out ways to ask the jumping, clutching kids if they need to use the restroom without saying the p word. I've learned a lot --learned to love it, even. So much so that I'll keep working there a few days a week, even after I start my real job.
This past week has been terrible, though. I got kicked in the eye, caught pink eye and then somehow picked up impetigo, even though I washed my hands 45 times on Wednesday. A seven year old girl came in for bed wetting and when I listened to her heart, she wet her pants, the stream of urine trickling off the bench and dripping down on to my foot while her parents screamed at each other about the terms of their divorce, oblivious. It took three grown ups to hold down the screaming five year old boy long enough to vaccinate him and somehow I still ended up with claw marks on my neck. And now, a week after we admitted the four year old in respiratory distress to the hospital, I have the horrible hacking cough and gravelly man voice you'd expect from a 2 pack a day habit.
I was thinking about how much every muscle in my body ached, not the speed limit, when the cop stepped into traffic and motioned me over to the side of the road. 3 months ago, I dropped my drivers license in the parking lot of the hospital and the security guard sitting at the lost and found desk confessed to me that he'd put it in the pocket of his uniform pants and taken my license home instead of logging it in to the system. For two weeks, I wandered around the grounds of the hospital, searching for him, hoping he'd picked the right pants off his bedroom floor that morning. Instead of clearing time in my life to go wait in line at the DMV, I've driven around like a nervous wreck, five miles under the speed limit and practically parking at stop signs. Until I got sick and just wanted to get home.
As the cop approached my car yesterday, I started coughing so hard that I didn't even have time to think about tears (real or fake) or excuses. The officer asked for my license and registration and, in between hacking fits, I told him that I didn't have a license. Well, I have one, but not with me. Well, actually, I don't really have a license but I'm licensed. As in, once I had a license but I don't have it anymore even though I still have a valid license number. And then I started coughing really, really hard into the upper sleeve of my purple dinosaur scrubs, just like I teach the kids. The officer looked at me for a second and then I saw him look over at my stethoscope on the passenger seat. Are you a nurse ma'am? I nodded, so miserable. Well, you're in luck because I never give nurses tickets. You slow down and take care of yourself so you can take care of those kids.
But then half way through nursing school I needed a job and the one that fell in my lap, straight out of the sky, was at a pediatrician's office. So I took it, tried hard as I could to be useful and grateful for a job that didn't involve animal fur, and concentrated on not dropping any babies between the exam table and the scale. The doctor is hilarious, brilliant, and kind, the receptionist is hilarious, efficient, and kind. I just try to be kind. And figure out ways to ask the jumping, clutching kids if they need to use the restroom without saying the p word. I've learned a lot --learned to love it, even. So much so that I'll keep working there a few days a week, even after I start my real job.
This past week has been terrible, though. I got kicked in the eye, caught pink eye and then somehow picked up impetigo, even though I washed my hands 45 times on Wednesday. A seven year old girl came in for bed wetting and when I listened to her heart, she wet her pants, the stream of urine trickling off the bench and dripping down on to my foot while her parents screamed at each other about the terms of their divorce, oblivious. It took three grown ups to hold down the screaming five year old boy long enough to vaccinate him and somehow I still ended up with claw marks on my neck. And now, a week after we admitted the four year old in respiratory distress to the hospital, I have the horrible hacking cough and gravelly man voice you'd expect from a 2 pack a day habit.
I was thinking about how much every muscle in my body ached, not the speed limit, when the cop stepped into traffic and motioned me over to the side of the road. 3 months ago, I dropped my drivers license in the parking lot of the hospital and the security guard sitting at the lost and found desk confessed to me that he'd put it in the pocket of his uniform pants and taken my license home instead of logging it in to the system. For two weeks, I wandered around the grounds of the hospital, searching for him, hoping he'd picked the right pants off his bedroom floor that morning. Instead of clearing time in my life to go wait in line at the DMV, I've driven around like a nervous wreck, five miles under the speed limit and practically parking at stop signs. Until I got sick and just wanted to get home.
As the cop approached my car yesterday, I started coughing so hard that I didn't even have time to think about tears (real or fake) or excuses. The officer asked for my license and registration and, in between hacking fits, I told him that I didn't have a license. Well, I have one, but not with me. Well, actually, I don't really have a license but I'm licensed. As in, once I had a license but I don't have it anymore even though I still have a valid license number. And then I started coughing really, really hard into the upper sleeve of my purple dinosaur scrubs, just like I teach the kids. The officer looked at me for a second and then I saw him look over at my stethoscope on the passenger seat. Are you a nurse ma'am? I nodded, so miserable. Well, you're in luck because I never give nurses tickets. You slow down and take care of yourself so you can take care of those kids.
01 June 2010
White Rabbit
The summer I was 21, I lived in a guest cottage adjacent to a large house on the side of a hill overlooking the bay. An acquaintance of an acquaintance asked me to stay there with her old, ailing mother for the summer while she went on a three month trip to collect research for her dissertation on tree frogs. This woman knew nothing about me, but handed me the keys to the house, her car, and the instruction manual for the elevator and the pool in the basement. The old woman was both crotchety and funny and, after spending the spring semester of my junior year at home, I was happy for a little space of my own. In the mornings, the old woman and I would take the elevator down to the basement and I would help her climb into the pool and swim against the perpetual current for 30 minutes before sliding down the hill to sit on the beach and write bad poetry or desperate love letters, depending on the day. At night, we'd sit on the porch and the old woman would tell me stories about her childhood and meeting her husband over dinners of fresh tomato salad, cold boiled parsnips, and red wine. After dinner, I'd helped the old lady into the elevator, up to her bedroom, out of her polyester pant suits, and into bed. That was the summer of LSAT and Hail to the Thief, and after the old lady was in bed, I'd sit on the screened in porch and listen to Radiohead, imagining my future as an attorney while summer lightning split the bay in two and rain hammered the tin roof.
One day I came home from work and found the old lady stuck in the elevator. I could hear her talking and she said she'd only been there a few minutes so I called the repair service and after a kind young man came and pried open the doors, we went on with our evening routine. I knew something like this was going to happen she said. I forgot to say White Rabbit this morning! Jefferson Airplane? Alice in Wonderland? She was too old for both so I had to ask what she meant. On the first day of every month, you must say WHITE RABBIT before you say anything else when you wake up. If you do, your wishes for the month will come true but if you forget, everything will go wrong. I forgot to say it today. It's the first time I've forgotten in years.
The rest of the summer passed uneventfully. On the day I took the LSAT, the old lady told me to make us martinis to celebrate the beginning of my future career. After I helped her into bed, I made myself another, went to the porch, and read T.S. Eliot while lightning bugs pricked the inky sky. At the end of August, I said goodbye to the old lady, promised to write, went to see Radiohead play, and then drove up to Boston the next day to finish my last year of school. I moved into my apartment, met a left-handed boy who could talk about science and art, and forgot all about the old lady until the following summer when her daughter emailed me to say she'd died. I meant to send a card, but I don't think I even replied to the email. I was very young. I thought that my whole life was in front of me. Whatever that means. Or I thought it meant.
It's been years since I thought of the old lady, but this morning I sat bolt up-right in bed and said White Rabbit. I don't know why I said it - or what I wish for this month beyond passing the NCLEX- but I spent today marveling at all the funny, strange ways that life unfolds - whether we say those words on the first of the month or not. I spent that summer focused on getting into law school and caring for a frail, old woman on the side. This summer I'm focused on learning to care for people while my time at the law firm grows stranger and more unimaginable by the day.
One day I came home from work and found the old lady stuck in the elevator. I could hear her talking and she said she'd only been there a few minutes so I called the repair service and after a kind young man came and pried open the doors, we went on with our evening routine. I knew something like this was going to happen she said. I forgot to say White Rabbit this morning! Jefferson Airplane? Alice in Wonderland? She was too old for both so I had to ask what she meant. On the first day of every month, you must say WHITE RABBIT before you say anything else when you wake up. If you do, your wishes for the month will come true but if you forget, everything will go wrong. I forgot to say it today. It's the first time I've forgotten in years.
The rest of the summer passed uneventfully. On the day I took the LSAT, the old lady told me to make us martinis to celebrate the beginning of my future career. After I helped her into bed, I made myself another, went to the porch, and read T.S. Eliot while lightning bugs pricked the inky sky. At the end of August, I said goodbye to the old lady, promised to write, went to see Radiohead play, and then drove up to Boston the next day to finish my last year of school. I moved into my apartment, met a left-handed boy who could talk about science and art, and forgot all about the old lady until the following summer when her daughter emailed me to say she'd died. I meant to send a card, but I don't think I even replied to the email. I was very young. I thought that my whole life was in front of me. Whatever that means. Or I thought it meant.
It's been years since I thought of the old lady, but this morning I sat bolt up-right in bed and said White Rabbit. I don't know why I said it - or what I wish for this month beyond passing the NCLEX- but I spent today marveling at all the funny, strange ways that life unfolds - whether we say those words on the first of the month or not. I spent that summer focused on getting into law school and caring for a frail, old woman on the side. This summer I'm focused on learning to care for people while my time at the law firm grows stranger and more unimaginable by the day.
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