Catherine Barkley would've cried too.

It's not that I've been regretting going to nursing school, exactly. More like profound exhaustion mixed with the healthy admission that reading A Farewell to Arms wasn't the most helpful preparation for starting my new career.

And then today, the old man comes out of surgery and his blood pressure is all over the place. Systolic readings of 190 one moment and then down in the 60's the next. This is not good. The nurse doesn't bother taking her finger off the IV pump, so continuously do his vasopressers need titrating. He is overloaded with fluid, his kidneys are tired, his pale, shaved skin is mottled, which is to say, he looks really bad. Troubling, too, his temperature refuses to come up from 95.1 degrees, even after warmed blankets and a sheet of hot air. We do all sorts of things, all the standard protocols, all the old tricks of the trade, but our man refuses to be stable. No one comes up with much of an explanation beyond Well...the heart doesn't like to be messed with. Thank you. I could've come up with that on my own.

It's not convenient, but we let his wife in around 2:30. She has been in the waiting room since 6:00 am but she still thanks us calmly and repeatedly for taking such good care of her husband. Her headband, like her entire outfit, is purple, and sticking out of her bag I see a large print book of crossword puzzles and half-eaten peanut butter sandwich. She tells us that she was a nurse for 25 years but she gave up working almost 20 years ago. You'll understand then, we tell her, that we are concerned that we can't get his blood pressure stable and his temperature up. He's very cold.

She sets her bag on the floor and walks closer to her husband's bed, tucking the edges of the blankets deeper under his still body. Once she's satisfied, she walks to the head of the bed, leans in close, and cups his face with her hands. I'm here my darling and you're doing just fine. But these kind nurses must be confused, because they say that you're very cold. But that just can't be, can it? You can't be cold because you are the one who always keeps me warm at night. All these years you kept me warm. Show them how warm and good you are, my love.

Love, medicine, a lifetime of taking orders from his wife? I don't know. But our man got warm and got stable while I bawled into the pile of unneeded blankets.