shopping

On my way home last night, I stopped at the grocery store where Rat works to find out when he'd be home. My parents are in St. Maybe for the weekend, which means that I am in charge of Little Rat, who is in charge of Max & Henry and keeping the stove burning. This past week he has worked 43 hours -- 43 hours of slicing deli meat and offering samples to customers who don't care so much about his quirky kindness as they do getting their bologna and going home.

Often, I can stand behind the gourmet olive bar and watch him, so intent on packaging a perfect pound of Amish potato salad, for 5 or 10 minutes before he sees me. He is the tallest -- and youngest -- person behind the counter by far. His colleagues are mostly middle age women with so many troubles and children that Peter can't keep track, try as he might. Earlier this fall, his car was in the shop so I sat in the parking lot one night, waiting for him to come out from his closing shift. Well past midnight, I sat there fuming over my own lost sleep (he is a well known dawdler...), preparing a talking to about being considerate and using your cell phone to let people know about changing plans. When he finally walked out his black apron was folded perfectly and hanging over his long, thin arm. Behind him, a dumpy and tired looking woman followed a few yards behind. I rolled down the window, and opened my mouth to let him have it. Kathy, I'm sorry I'm late. The manager made me stay late because 2 people didn't come in tonight. This is my friend from the deli. Can we take her home? Her son stole her car and she doesn't know where he is now. So much salt and light. What could I do but unlock the doors?

Last night, customers were 3 deep across the counter, though, so I walked up to the far end, by the cooler case of hummus and brie and called out his name. I get out of here at 6:00. Do you want to me to buy you dinner? You know I will, Nurse Kathy. It's okay, Rat. I've got stuff to make good food at home. You just come home ok? Ok! See you tonight. Love you! The old man next to me looked first at me and then at Rat, who was holding up a slice of BBQ loaf for the man to approve the thickness. The man nodded his approval and then said "Looks like you're really lucky to have a date tonight with such a pretty young lady." Little Rat pushed the button on the scale, waited for the label to print out, and then handed the meticulously folded bag to the old man with a smile. Kathy's just my sister, sir. I know that there's no one out there for me in the universe, but that's okay. You have a nice weekend and enjoy your holiday, sir.

****

We went in to buy lemons, capers, and raspberry sorbet -- the things one needs for an impromptu dinner party. Randomly we roamed through the aisles, laughing & talking about the past few weeks, paying little attention to the list or the other shoppers. Even so we noticed the couple right away, standing by the pyramid of citrus fruit, their heads close as they peered over the list in her hand. In condiment aisle, we waited patiently for him, his sweater the color of butter, his hair the color of snow, to move his cart aside so we could pass. In the juice aisle, we met again, and I saw that she was both truly ancient and truly beautiful - with lips the color of raspberries and skin like a burnished peach, thick silver hair twisted into a chignon. Finally, at the far end of the cleaning aisle we collided. Squirrel, all jokes and PR savvy, said Uh oh. I guess the secrets out that we've been following you two around the store. Oh no! We love to see beautiful young people enjoying themselves! Reminds of us when we were young, she said. Besides, he said, we don't know where we're going any way! Squirrel laughed and bid them Merry Christmas while I hurried down the detergent aisle. On my own birthday, these beautiful ancient people, the fleetingness of youth, the looming specters of regret & heartbreak filled my throat and eyes a bit and I didn't see the puddle of Tide in the middle of the floor. Thankfully, when I started to slip, Squirrel was right there behind me, ready to steady and then walk through the store some more.

I know this now.

Real things are not always simple.

Simple things are rarely easy.

Easy things are never real.

Advent #2

Little Rat loves Christmas.

Last night when I came home, he was sitting at the kitchen counter, listening to the Chipmunk's version of Linkin Park's In the End it Doesn't Really Matter.

Hey Rat, what's going on?

Just trying to get into the spirit of Christmas, Kathy.

growth & devlopment review

1 - Receive black patent leather purse from grandmother. Own mother is only 22, still freckled & very new herself .

7 - Mother wraps presents in pink paper & makes birthday fudge with no walnuts, invites a house full of little girls over to tea. Understand for first time that not all mothers love their daughters as well mine.

12 - Go with family into big city to spend day choosing Christmas gifts for each other at Seibu & Parco. Amidst neon swirl of decorations and holiday music, feel both cozy and cosmopolitan. That night, dine in fancy restaurant before dashing through downtown streets to find our seats in the big concert Hall. The Russian Men & Boys choir sounds like heaven on earth. Float home on cloud of family, love, and music. Will spend rest of life trying to step back the feeling of that that night.

15 - Mother intercepts me coming out of library with news of Bulgarian judge's approval of adoption petition. Suddenly feel like even older, oldest sister, with twice the number of little ducklings following behind; twice the weight of responsibility to shoulder.

16 - Leave Japan right after birthday. Spend last week wandering through grey streets, hugging trees, and crying on the steps of the old elementary building. Start to fixate on the fleeting seconds, how they slip through fingers, blink & then disappear. Beginning of tortured affair with the passage of time and the grip of nostalgia. Also realize how much better to be leaving than left.

17 - Receive book of poetry, inscribed in father's handwriting: We're so proud of you and it has nothing to do with test scores. Understand keenly the importance of saying things. Even things, especially things, that go without saying.

20 - Spend day in library, sulking & pretending to study. Act like ungrateful wretch when Grace drags out of book piled carrel for "study break" which turns out to be swanky surprise party. John sets up strobe light in the kitchen and long-loved-boy walks me down to the sea and points out planes in their holding patterns overhead. Dance to Otis Redding & DMX in the kitchen and eat spaghetti at 3 AM. Life shimmers with possibility, beautiful friends. Feel very grown up, invincible, like life could possibly go wrong, but wouldn't dare.

22 - Wake up to the news that Saddam Hussein has been pulled from his hole in the ground. Get home from day of cramming in library to learn that John has died by his own hand. In coldest, darkest night, college boyfriend strips down to his underwear and does cartwheels in the snow in attempt to make me smile, to prove that we are still alive and fine.

25 - Kiss long-loved-boy in the back of bar. Squirrel flips her lid and takes 2:00 am Chinatown bus to NYC. Spend next day alone, thinking of danger in getting what you want, the paralyzation that comes of endless choices and no one to tell you the right thing to do.

28 - Psychiatric Nursing Exam. Studying provokes desire to tear hair out and new understanding of old adages that Youth is wasted on the young and If I only knew then what I know now. Even so, experience extreme gratitude for ability to think, feel, remember; the great, fragile gift of a sound heart & mind.

advent #1

Last night at work, one of my favorite patients came in. He is the smilingest baby, full of cheeky laughter and a cloud of dark curly hair that hovers over his head. I like his mother, too -- a plump, jolly woman who manages to be both kind and clever, even after spending her days corralling middle school students. She brought this baby home 2 days after he was born, 2 days after an unknown girl signed the papers and the court pronounced her mom. There's never been a Dad.

We'll call this woman Cathy and we'll call this baby Joe. Cathy left work and brought a tightly bundled Joe to the doctor's office because his weeks-old coughing had turned into wheezing my untrained ear could hear across the room. Adventitious breath sounds. I listened and made a sympathetic face. The doctor listened and ordered a nebulizer treatment. We set Cathy & Joe up on the machine, noted the time, and moved on to other tasks and patients. Joe screamed before the door closed. He screamed and writhed and screamed through the first treatment and then the second. Cathy tried to smile every time I peaked in the room, but it wasn't hard to tell that she was shaking from trying so hard to hold on. Please, can you help? she shouted over his screaming.

Help? Right. Ha. I mean, Sure!
I re-adjusted the mask, I patted his head and sang.
He screamed louder and held his breath.
Cathy looked desperate and Joe looked blue.
I picked up Dr. Seuss.
One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish.
Joe took a gulping breath and shuddered quiet.
He took another breath. The tiny particles of medicine rushed into the black hole of his mouth.
Black Fish Blue Fish Old Fish New Fish.
He opened his eyes and looked up at his mom and then me.
Some are Red, Some are Blue, Some are Old, Some are New.
Joe Smiled! Cathy Smiled.
Some are Sad and Some are Glad and Some are very, very Bad.
I smiled, holding my breath.
Why are they Sad and Bad and Glad?
Yes! I thought, I can do this!
I don't know, Go ask your Dad!
And suddenly Cathy was crying louder than Joe.

In the end, Cathy and Joe went to the ER. The doctor couldn't help Joe and I couldn't help Cathy. They set off through the rain to get a "tune up" - a few more quick treatments in the hope that his lugs would right themselves so he could sleep, could breathe, in his own bed. As they left, I took my own deep breath, picked up the chart of the next patient and walked into exam room three with a smile. Hi. What can I do for you today?

In a few weeks we will celebrate. Our Help is about to be born.