We have not spoken in years
My first brother (tall, rangy) & I discovered that we both listen to Bruce Springsteen more than we ought, that we love traditional French accordian music and daisies wrapped in brown paper. We both like to see a good anchor tattoo on a sailor. When I saw him this weekend, I didn't want to kick his teeth in for the first time in years. In fact, following our parents around a million different junk stores I held onto his sleeve and didn't want to let go.
You won't believe what he does to my heart rate
For the past month, we've gone out one or two times a week, each time staying out a bit longer. He is funny and smart and infinitely kind. He doesn't care what I wear and I don't minds that he spits a lot. He talks and talks and talks, filling the time with stories of old pets and college girlfriends and movie quotes. He doesn't take it personally when I don't look at him, don't say much at all. Friday was the hottest day yet and my body was in rebellion--achy, dehydrated, exhausted--before we even set out. Keep going! Don't stop! he said, all the way out and back. At the end of our run he said You are amazing! and then handed me a glass of lemonade while we waited for the endorphins to do their thing.
Where oh where can my baby be?
The woman got on near the Native American History Museum and since I'd forgotten my book and have lost my ipod, I went ahead and watched. She was wearing a ratty white housecoat, as Gramcracker might call it, the sort of thing that is one step up from a nightgown but not really a robe. The sort of thing that ladies with any sense or breeding wouldn't be caught dead wearing to answer the front door, let alone to take a bus across town. She set up the contraption on the seat beside her and then pulled the brim of her hat, printed with tropical flowers, down low over her mess of hair. Every time someone walked past, the woman would pull the little seat close to her and re-adjust the blanket or re-arrange one of the mangy stuffed animals. There was no baby in the chair, though, and after awhile she turned her attention to the bag beside her and its contents. She pulled out a stack of one dollar bills and studied the face of each one intently, running her fingers over the surfaces. Almost as though she was looking at photographs of people she'd known, maybe still loved.
charm school dropout
I miss the sweet anonymity provided by my old neighborhood. I'm no social butterfly and still, everytime I set foot out the door, I trip over people I know. There's too much pressure to act dignified all the time now and I get nervous, walking down the street, that someone I know might be just around the corner, waiting to pounce and pull me into conversation. My mother did her best to raise me right, but my social skills are remedial at best so if we bump into each other and I say something dumb and a little off, please know that I am keenly aware of my short comings. I apologize for my failure at basic conversation.
Memorial Day to Remember
The day was filled of chopping, cooking, laughing laughing laughing, eating and drinking and then floating along on deep deep pools of contentment. I watched my friends' faces catch the sun, watched their young healthy bodies turn brown under the big sky. We gulped in the air. We slurped up the day.
Earlier that morning an email came from G. who has an eerily prescient way of sending me literary buckets to hold the overflow of my heart. She was talking about Jonathan Franzen and how she hated him for saying what she always thought she might be able to articulate, perfectly, someday: "the great sorrowful world-smell of being alive beneath a sky."
The smell was very strong yesterday, rising off the river, coating our skin. For we were very alive, and the sky was very big.
A fairytale in every rhyme
hi (sly) try (lie) cry (die) bye (my my my my)
look book shook crook mistook / born torn mourn lovelorn forsworn
lad = cad;dad = mad;girl=sad
Ways to end a conversation
goodbye
take care
so long
be seeing you
nice knowing you
good luck all the
best fare thee well
stay awesome
or even just
the end
29 May 2007
24 May 2007
cagey
Someone: How are you?
Me: I'm walking down the street.
Someone else: How's it going?
Me: The sun is shining.
Another someone: How have you been?
Me: I've been reading a lot.
Me: I'm walking down the street.
Someone else: How's it going?
Me: The sun is shining.
Another someone: How have you been?
Me: I've been reading a lot.
23 May 2007
22 May 2007
The So Called Life of Little Rat
Little Rat started driver's ed this week which is a good thing because it's also the week of his HSAs, the dreaded compulsory tests that everyone must take (and pass) to graduate from high school. Yesterday was the English exam and Little Rat took 5.5 hours, longer that anyone else, the only person in the room aside from the teacher, filling in bubbles with a #2 pencil. I imagine that driver's ed must've been a relief yesterday afternoon. What do you do when the light turns red?
If he passes, it will be a miracle -- not the ordinary drop down from Heaven kind of miracle that Hollywood and bad preachers tell us to pray for -- but the kind of miracle that takes hard work and good and patient people coming together faithfully to accomplish the task at hand. Even after they've been handed a bucket with a hole or a dull knife.
I just wish I could have your brain Dad! This comes out of nowhere, a voice from the very backseat joining our conversation full of 10 cent words. We were driving somewhere, probably laughing or eating ice cream, some combination of the 7 of us out for a ride or a new view of the world. Little Rat's brain often works this way: non sequiturs are his valentines, funny little love poems that might get lost in translation if your ear is untrained. We tease him about this still, but yesterday I stopped and asked myself if I'd give up a few IQ points for the cause? All the times my own neurons served me well -- SAT scores, AP exams, the philosophy paper I wrote in a handful of hours while everyone else labored for weeks -- would I settle for a little less of the success that has come so easy to see Little Rat succeed at what he finds so hard?
He wants to be an artist. He talks about it all the time and with such wistfulness that I sometimes don't know what to say; people's dreams can be a minefield over which a tightrope is strung for you to walk. There's American Idol and then there's the American Dream and there is the danger of one overtaking the other. A few weeks ago Little Rat brought home "Boy Sleeping in Clouds." Last weekend he took Squirrel's little sister down to the garage to see it. It's good to have an adorable girl like you around he said to her earlier, down by the pool. She smiled and some of her shyness fell away. This was an answer he understood.
If he passes, it will be a miracle -- not the ordinary drop down from Heaven kind of miracle that Hollywood and bad preachers tell us to pray for -- but the kind of miracle that takes hard work and good and patient people coming together faithfully to accomplish the task at hand. Even after they've been handed a bucket with a hole or a dull knife.
I just wish I could have your brain Dad! This comes out of nowhere, a voice from the very backseat joining our conversation full of 10 cent words. We were driving somewhere, probably laughing or eating ice cream, some combination of the 7 of us out for a ride or a new view of the world. Little Rat's brain often works this way: non sequiturs are his valentines, funny little love poems that might get lost in translation if your ear is untrained. We tease him about this still, but yesterday I stopped and asked myself if I'd give up a few IQ points for the cause? All the times my own neurons served me well -- SAT scores, AP exams, the philosophy paper I wrote in a handful of hours while everyone else labored for weeks -- would I settle for a little less of the success that has come so easy to see Little Rat succeed at what he finds so hard?
He wants to be an artist. He talks about it all the time and with such wistfulness that I sometimes don't know what to say; people's dreams can be a minefield over which a tightrope is strung for you to walk. There's American Idol and then there's the American Dream and there is the danger of one overtaking the other. A few weeks ago Little Rat brought home "Boy Sleeping in Clouds." Last weekend he took Squirrel's little sister down to the garage to see it. It's good to have an adorable girl like you around he said to her earlier, down by the pool. She smiled and some of her shyness fell away. This was an answer he understood.
20 May 2007
exitus in dubio est
Did you hear the shot ring out? I swear you could, even from where you're sitting.
The smell of death always follows the sound, like a dog follows a boy through the woods, the dead leaves disintegrating beneath their tread.
Are you well? Well, are you?
Damn Sam.
Blue. Moon. River.
Song. Wrong. Longing.
Night is a wish and a weariness, woven together into a pair of wings.
I'll fly away home.
The smell of death always follows the sound, like a dog follows a boy through the woods, the dead leaves disintegrating beneath their tread.
Are you well? Well, are you?
Damn Sam.
Blue. Moon. River.
Song. Wrong. Longing.
Night is a wish and a weariness, woven together into a pair of wings.
I'll fly away home.
18 May 2007
today, today i am okay with being a sentimental hack
The Sea and Sky have traded places today and misty grey-blue air swirls around our heads in waves. Walking down the street feels like swimming only better because the air rushes into your lungs instead of out and you float up instead of sinking to the bottom where there is no light by which to read the map's particular xs and os.
I love paper too much. My palms fall for the smooth flat expanses-- the way the fiber meets the ridges of my fingers, promising me something, all the while knowing that I won't deliver.
Last night he said I don't embrace the things I truly want and something else, something about my beautiful scar and how lovely is the word bruise. I knew what he was saying about the insecurity and the allure of failure in our personal lives, our professional pursuits; how theory seems the safest, easiest route up and out of our paralytic valleys; the appeal of solipsism and staying alone. It is the action & the choosing that will deliver us to high places when the rains start, though. I know this to be true and can't unknow it so I find a stamp this morning and send away for an answer to a question that I've asked everyone but myself.
If you are looking for something to cling to, try this:
Avogadro's Constant (a mole) = 6.002214179 x 10^23
A mole of hydrogen molecules = 6.002214179 x 10^23 Hydrogen molecules
A mole of shiny green apples = 6.002214179 x 10^23 shiny green apples
If you are looking for something to make you feel small, try this:
In the known universe there are about 4 x 10^22 observable stars (which is only about 1/10th of a mole). Still, if there were only 3 bumble bees flying over the sky stretching over the continent of Europe, the sky stretching over the continent of Europe would be more densely packed with bumble bees than the universe is packed with stars.
I love paper too much. My palms fall for the smooth flat expanses-- the way the fiber meets the ridges of my fingers, promising me something, all the while knowing that I won't deliver.
Last night he said I don't embrace the things I truly want and something else, something about my beautiful scar and how lovely is the word bruise. I knew what he was saying about the insecurity and the allure of failure in our personal lives, our professional pursuits; how theory seems the safest, easiest route up and out of our paralytic valleys; the appeal of solipsism and staying alone. It is the action & the choosing that will deliver us to high places when the rains start, though. I know this to be true and can't unknow it so I find a stamp this morning and send away for an answer to a question that I've asked everyone but myself.
If you are looking for something to cling to, try this:
Avogadro's Constant (a mole) = 6.002214179 x 10^23
A mole of hydrogen molecules = 6.002214179 x 10^23 Hydrogen molecules
A mole of shiny green apples = 6.002214179 x 10^23 shiny green apples
If you are looking for something to make you feel small, try this:
In the known universe there are about 4 x 10^22 observable stars (which is only about 1/10th of a mole). Still, if there were only 3 bumble bees flying over the sky stretching over the continent of Europe, the sky stretching over the continent of Europe would be more densely packed with bumble bees than the universe is packed with stars.
17 May 2007
Outline of "Another Day/Another $"
17 May 2006
5th Period
I. MORNING & COMMUTE
1. Girl wakes to sun painting shadows of leaves on face
A. delighted by chlorophyll filled start despite rampant allergies
B. She digs through boxes to find dress with leaf pattern to simulate experience for remainder of day
a. orange shoe missing
i. hair haywire
ii. bloodshot eyes
C. clothes rack knocks over plant
a. She leaves dirt on floor
2. Girl almost misses D6 bus, but makes it in nick of time after running down street
A. Jam packed with over-serious professional type commuters
a. Filled with longing for H1 bus with kids and old/crazy/sick people and students
i. Her misanthropic side rears head
B. She reads short story "Handful of Ball-Points, A Heartful of Love" by Henry Swados
a. Filled with repentance for earlier hideous thoughts towards fellow humans/commuters coughing on back of neck while trying to get to work
C. 11 minutes late for work
a. Boss MIA
i. No Big Deal for Girl
II. INDUSTRY is a VIRTUE
1. Outlook Inbox filled with 64 messages requiring immediate attention
A. Since Thursday, Girl ignores messages in favor of reading Dear Prudence on SLATE
B. First message: "evrytighgb is all fckfed upp. need yu to cabll soehne /nd fex it. You wll fihgure it out. Bonusu powints"
2. She realizes that boss is unusually hysterical and is faced with determining cause and finding solution
A. Problems = glitches in important events
a. Solutions = ridiculous stunts executed by Girl
i. search for bottle of special brandy at 4 liquor stores
ii. call 16 people to find replacement speaker
iii. convince 9-month pregnant woman to skip doctors appointment to speak to room of over-indulged babies in men's bodies
iv. buy new tie for boss due to spilt coffee
v. plead with hotel staff to work technological miracles
B. Despite her best efforts, boss FLIPS out and screams in front of 5o people
a. Girl wish for tranquilizer gun (for him)
C. Feeling guilty for outbursat, boss sends Girl up to bar at Ritz
a. Girl meets Italian man and
i. Together they eat chocolate mousse and drink champagne
b. piano player plays "You Belong to Me" - same song that has run through girl's head for days
i. She thinks of Grandmother singing same song and
ii. wishes to be with Grandmother instead of Luca from Salerno, though Luca is attractive in obvious foreign-type ways
D. Receives tickets to Party at Zoo
III. Zoo Party
1. Girl walks around zoo with fine fine friend on cool calm evening
A. Food and wine from every restaurant in the city
a. She eats more chocolate mousse. Also mashed potatoes, sausage, and hummus.
a. Lots of people, objects to trip over while trying to talk, eat, see animals
i. Girl spills red wine on dress
B. They look for animals
a. see only elephant, emu and chipmunk
i. She remembers general distaste for zoo, circus etc.
2. Girl learns new word from fine fine friend: anneal
A. "1 a : to heat and then cool (as steel or glass) usually for softening and making less brittle; to STRENGTHEN or TOUGHEN
B. Girl concludes on metro ride home that day has been one of annealizationa.
a.Girl decides to worry about long term effects of annealization on mind, heart, outlook etc. tomorrow.
i. Or next day.
5th Period
I. MORNING & COMMUTE
1. Girl wakes to sun painting shadows of leaves on face
A. delighted by chlorophyll filled start despite rampant allergies
B. She digs through boxes to find dress with leaf pattern to simulate experience for remainder of day
a. orange shoe missing
i. hair haywire
ii. bloodshot eyes
C. clothes rack knocks over plant
a. She leaves dirt on floor
2. Girl almost misses D6 bus, but makes it in nick of time after running down street
A. Jam packed with over-serious professional type commuters
a. Filled with longing for H1 bus with kids and old/crazy/sick people and students
i. Her misanthropic side rears head
B. She reads short story "Handful of Ball-Points, A Heartful of Love" by Henry Swados
a. Filled with repentance for earlier hideous thoughts towards fellow humans/commuters coughing on back of neck while trying to get to work
C. 11 minutes late for work
a. Boss MIA
i. No Big Deal for Girl
II. INDUSTRY is a VIRTUE
1. Outlook Inbox filled with 64 messages requiring immediate attention
A. Since Thursday, Girl ignores messages in favor of reading Dear Prudence on SLATE
B. First message: "evrytighgb is all fckfed upp. need yu to cabll soehne /nd fex it. You wll fihgure it out. Bonusu powints"
2. She realizes that boss is unusually hysterical and is faced with determining cause and finding solution
A. Problems = glitches in important events
a. Solutions = ridiculous stunts executed by Girl
i. search for bottle of special brandy at 4 liquor stores
ii. call 16 people to find replacement speaker
iii. convince 9-month pregnant woman to skip doctors appointment to speak to room of over-indulged babies in men's bodies
iv. buy new tie for boss due to spilt coffee
v. plead with hotel staff to work technological miracles
B. Despite her best efforts, boss FLIPS out and screams in front of 5o people
a. Girl wish for tranquilizer gun (for him)
C. Feeling guilty for outbursat, boss sends Girl up to bar at Ritz
a. Girl meets Italian man and
i. Together they eat chocolate mousse and drink champagne
b. piano player plays "You Belong to Me" - same song that has run through girl's head for days
i. She thinks of Grandmother singing same song and
ii. wishes to be with Grandmother instead of Luca from Salerno, though Luca is attractive in obvious foreign-type ways
D. Receives tickets to Party at Zoo
III. Zoo Party
1. Girl walks around zoo with fine fine friend on cool calm evening
A. Food and wine from every restaurant in the city
a. She eats more chocolate mousse. Also mashed potatoes, sausage, and hummus.
a. Lots of people, objects to trip over while trying to talk, eat, see animals
i. Girl spills red wine on dress
B. They look for animals
a. see only elephant, emu and chipmunk
i. She remembers general distaste for zoo, circus etc.
2. Girl learns new word from fine fine friend: anneal
A. "1 a : to heat and then cool (as steel or glass) usually for softening and making less brittle; to STRENGTHEN or TOUGHEN
B. Girl concludes on metro ride home that day has been one of annealizationa.
a.Girl decides to worry about long term effects of annealization on mind, heart, outlook etc. tomorrow.
i. Or next day.
14 May 2007
here is a pile of things, file them
get out of bed
eat an apple
brush teeth
iron dress
interpret dream
wear lipstick
buckle seatbelt
smile at strangers
drink coffee
write a check
chew on fingernails
scratch mosquito bite
bite your tongue
buy postage stamps
light a fire
lose your temper
tell a joke
meet a friend
put the kettle on
answer the phone
sweep floor
listen to nonsense
shake martinis
snap your fingers
take out trash
walk the dog
make the bed
read the paper
write a letter
tell the truth
things we do for love
things we do for money
things we do because no one else is around
eat an apple
brush teeth
iron dress
interpret dream
wear lipstick
buckle seatbelt
smile at strangers
drink coffee
write a check
chew on fingernails
scratch mosquito bite
bite your tongue
buy postage stamps
light a fire
lose your temper
tell a joke
meet a friend
put the kettle on
answer the phone
sweep floor
listen to nonsense
shake martinis
snap your fingers
take out trash
walk the dog
make the bed
read the paper
write a letter
tell the truth
things we do for love
things we do for money
things we do because no one else is around
11 May 2007
since feeling is first
e.e. cummings
since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;
wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world
my blood approves,
and kisses are a far better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
--the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says
we are for eachother: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph
And death i think is no parenthesis
since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;
wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world
my blood approves,
and kisses are a far better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
--the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says
we are for eachother: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph
And death i think is no parenthesis
10 May 2007
07 May 2007
Some Dylan for a Thursday morning
Seen a shooting star tonight
And I thought of you.
You were trying to break into another world
A world I never knew.
I always kind of wondered
If you ever made it through.
Seen a shooting star tonight
And I thought of you.
Seen a shooting star tonight
And I thought of me.
If I was still the same
If I ever became what you wanted me to be
Did I miss the mark or
Over-step the line
That only you could see?
Seen a shooting star tonight
And I thought of me.
Listen to the engine, listen to the bell
As the last fire truck from hell
Goes rolling by, all good people are praying,
It's the last temptation
The last account
The last time you might hear the sermon on the mount,
The last radio is playing.
Seen a shooting star tonight
Slip Away.
Tomorrow will be another day.
Guess it's too late to say the things to you
That you needed to hear me say.
Seen a shooting star tonight
Slip away.
And I thought of you.
You were trying to break into another world
A world I never knew.
I always kind of wondered
If you ever made it through.
Seen a shooting star tonight
And I thought of you.
Seen a shooting star tonight
And I thought of me.
If I was still the same
If I ever became what you wanted me to be
Did I miss the mark or
Over-step the line
That only you could see?
Seen a shooting star tonight
And I thought of me.
Listen to the engine, listen to the bell
As the last fire truck from hell
Goes rolling by, all good people are praying,
It's the last temptation
The last account
The last time you might hear the sermon on the mount,
The last radio is playing.
Seen a shooting star tonight
Slip Away.
Tomorrow will be another day.
Guess it's too late to say the things to you
That you needed to hear me say.
Seen a shooting star tonight
Slip away.
06 May 2007
clues everywhere
For their first date he took her to see Love is Colder than Death (Liebe ist kälter als der Tod) at the Harvard Film Archive. The opening scene was endless, so bare and brutal that she felt her heart slow its beat in her chest, the air stripped from her lungs. She wondered vaguely if she might die waiting for the cut to the next shot. The creepy man in the next seat leaned over the arm rest to breathe on her neck and press his elbow into her ribs, but her date was enraptured and he did not even blink when she tapped his arm and whispered Help! Afterwards, back on the streets, they found the rain had turned to sleet and the wind whipping around with a vengeance. His car had been towed, just as the sign by the empty space where they stood, freezing, promised it would be.
04 May 2007
After Years
Ted Kooser
Today, from a distance, I saw you
walking away, and without a sound
the glittering face of a glacier
slid into the sea. An ancient oak
fell in the Cumberlands, holding only
a handful of leaves, and an old woman
scattering corn to her chickens looked up
for an instant. At the other side
of the galaxy, a star thirty-five times
the size of our own sun exploded
and vanished, leaving a small green spot
on the astronomer's retina
as he stood in the great open dome
of my heart with no one to tell.
Today, from a distance, I saw you
walking away, and without a sound
the glittering face of a glacier
slid into the sea. An ancient oak
fell in the Cumberlands, holding only
a handful of leaves, and an old woman
scattering corn to her chickens looked up
for an instant. At the other side
of the galaxy, a star thirty-five times
the size of our own sun exploded
and vanished, leaving a small green spot
on the astronomer's retina
as he stood in the great open dome
of my heart with no one to tell.
02 May 2007
empty the contents of your pocket on to the table
apple: Down the street and around the bend from my house the city has crammed a school over a drug store. On the way to the bus stop each morning we pass a tall, tall woman with fly-away hair perched against the door frame like an egret. She shepherds the children through the puddles of vomit and cigarettes butts, around the chicken bones and newspapers pasted to the sidewalk, up the stairs and to their desks. I wonder if she's ever noticed the shape of an apple with curved stem and leaf, carved perfectly in the pavement a few feet away by who knows what, especially for her.
boy: He saw her first -- how could he miss her in that orange hat? -- and followed her around the gym. She noticed him noticing her, liked his look (blue gym shorts, marathon t-shirt), remembered his face, and grabbed my arm a few days later in the grocery store when he pushed his cart of frozen dinners by us. In line I took my time, counting and re-counting the pennies and nickels, holding up the express lane, so she could formulate a plan that wouldn't be executed beyond our own imagining.
chair: Squirrel & I won a folding camp chair each, stamped with the firm logo, for winning the egg toss during the staff appreciation party last week. These chairs will come in handy this summer after we construct a tether-ball poll in our back yard. People will have a place to sit while they wait their turn to play.
drink: 3 parts red wine, 1 part orange juice, 1 part 7-up. Add ice and then sit on the front steps with a friend. Drink it down slowly under a moon you can't see.
equivokate: I'm wondering about this lately: if it's possible to always mean what you say, or to mean what you say always. It should be simple, it seems. Don't say things you don't mean. But if everyone followed this rule, the world would stop and nothing would get done at all. And what of the things you mean when they fall out of your mouth, but would take back if you could once the situation has shifted 2 years, 10 months, 5 weeks, 3 minutes down the road? Sometimes, I say things to myself and will myself to mean them as I say them over and over again. I'm doing my best to say only things I mean. I'm counting on you to try, too.
farm: The farm hadn't changed much; the fuzzy edges of memory do well to accommodate a new lamp here or painting there while preserving the shape and feel of a place. The coffee is still the best in the world and the cream in the mason jar comes straight from the lopsided milk cow who never wanders far from the gate. There will always be a lamb who thinks he's a puppy and children who grow up and away will keep coming home. In front of the stone fireplace late that night, I realized how much I've missed her and, watching them together, how much has changed about who we all are and where we're headed. Thank goodness for the fuzzy edges of memories, though, and the way they contract and expand to let in all the light and time that goes by while we're not looking.
graveyard: The Garden State Parkway takes us through a graveyard. Stone after stone after stone marking life after life after life, sprawling over hills on both sides of the highway.
house: We are switching houses soon to live with Ms. Georgia Peach. I will miss the sound of the spokes of Banjoel's bike when he rolls in late at night, and the easy clever laughter that rises up when we're sitting around. I will not miss bunkbeds, sirens, and living like a sub-terranean mammal who squints when emerging from the dark into the light of day.
i: got nothing to say for myself.
Jinx & Mitzy: They got married 27 years ago today, a full 19 months before I came on the scene. Mt. St. Helens exploded fairly soon after their wedding, ash piling up like snow on the windshield of the car, and they were very poor. Mitzy claims she was shy and didn't speak for the entire first year. Jinx got hit in the face with a lead pipe in Alaska and almost died and Mitzy decided to start talking somewhere along the way, as anyone who knows her can attest. There were births and deaths and Sunday dinners in different homes and drives on sunny afternoons and warm twilights along roads in different countries. My mom still puts one hand on her chest and the other on my dad's arm when she laughs real hard at his jokes and my dad still marvels at what a piece of work she is. I don't think they've ever been bored.
key: I have not lost my keys once in the past month. This is a new record.
boy: He saw her first -- how could he miss her in that orange hat? -- and followed her around the gym. She noticed him noticing her, liked his look (blue gym shorts, marathon t-shirt), remembered his face, and grabbed my arm a few days later in the grocery store when he pushed his cart of frozen dinners by us. In line I took my time, counting and re-counting the pennies and nickels, holding up the express lane, so she could formulate a plan that wouldn't be executed beyond our own imagining.
chair: Squirrel & I won a folding camp chair each, stamped with the firm logo, for winning the egg toss during the staff appreciation party last week. These chairs will come in handy this summer after we construct a tether-ball poll in our back yard. People will have a place to sit while they wait their turn to play.
drink: 3 parts red wine, 1 part orange juice, 1 part 7-up. Add ice and then sit on the front steps with a friend. Drink it down slowly under a moon you can't see.
equivokate: I'm wondering about this lately: if it's possible to always mean what you say, or to mean what you say always. It should be simple, it seems. Don't say things you don't mean. But if everyone followed this rule, the world would stop and nothing would get done at all. And what of the things you mean when they fall out of your mouth, but would take back if you could once the situation has shifted 2 years, 10 months, 5 weeks, 3 minutes down the road? Sometimes, I say things to myself and will myself to mean them as I say them over and over again. I'm doing my best to say only things I mean. I'm counting on you to try, too.
farm: The farm hadn't changed much; the fuzzy edges of memory do well to accommodate a new lamp here or painting there while preserving the shape and feel of a place. The coffee is still the best in the world and the cream in the mason jar comes straight from the lopsided milk cow who never wanders far from the gate. There will always be a lamb who thinks he's a puppy and children who grow up and away will keep coming home. In front of the stone fireplace late that night, I realized how much I've missed her and, watching them together, how much has changed about who we all are and where we're headed. Thank goodness for the fuzzy edges of memories, though, and the way they contract and expand to let in all the light and time that goes by while we're not looking.
graveyard: The Garden State Parkway takes us through a graveyard. Stone after stone after stone marking life after life after life, sprawling over hills on both sides of the highway.
house: We are switching houses soon to live with Ms. Georgia Peach. I will miss the sound of the spokes of Banjoel's bike when he rolls in late at night, and the easy clever laughter that rises up when we're sitting around. I will not miss bunkbeds, sirens, and living like a sub-terranean mammal who squints when emerging from the dark into the light of day.
i: got nothing to say for myself.
Jinx & Mitzy: They got married 27 years ago today, a full 19 months before I came on the scene. Mt. St. Helens exploded fairly soon after their wedding, ash piling up like snow on the windshield of the car, and they were very poor. Mitzy claims she was shy and didn't speak for the entire first year. Jinx got hit in the face with a lead pipe in Alaska and almost died and Mitzy decided to start talking somewhere along the way, as anyone who knows her can attest. There were births and deaths and Sunday dinners in different homes and drives on sunny afternoons and warm twilights along roads in different countries. My mom still puts one hand on her chest and the other on my dad's arm when she laughs real hard at his jokes and my dad still marvels at what a piece of work she is. I don't think they've ever been bored.
key: I have not lost my keys once in the past month. This is a new record.
01 May 2007
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