22 May 2007
The So Called Life of Little Rat
Little Rat started driver's ed this week which is a good thing because it's also the week of his HSAs, the dreaded compulsory tests that everyone must take (and pass) to graduate from high school. Yesterday was the English exam and Little Rat took 5.5 hours, longer that anyone else, the only person in the room aside from the teacher, filling in bubbles with a #2 pencil. I imagine that driver's ed must've been a relief yesterday afternoon. What do you do when the light turns red?
If he passes, it will be a miracle -- not the ordinary drop down from Heaven kind of miracle that Hollywood and bad preachers tell us to pray for -- but the kind of miracle that takes hard work and good and patient people coming together faithfully to accomplish the task at hand. Even after they've been handed a bucket with a hole or a dull knife.
I just wish I could have your brain Dad! This comes out of nowhere, a voice from the very backseat joining our conversation full of 10 cent words. We were driving somewhere, probably laughing or eating ice cream, some combination of the 7 of us out for a ride or a new view of the world. Little Rat's brain often works this way: non sequiturs are his valentines, funny little love poems that might get lost in translation if your ear is untrained. We tease him about this still, but yesterday I stopped and asked myself if I'd give up a few IQ points for the cause? All the times my own neurons served me well -- SAT scores, AP exams, the philosophy paper I wrote in a handful of hours while everyone else labored for weeks -- would I settle for a little less of the success that has come so easy to see Little Rat succeed at what he finds so hard?
He wants to be an artist. He talks about it all the time and with such wistfulness that I sometimes don't know what to say; people's dreams can be a minefield over which a tightrope is strung for you to walk. There's American Idol and then there's the American Dream and there is the danger of one overtaking the other. A few weeks ago Little Rat brought home "Boy Sleeping in Clouds." Last weekend he took Squirrel's little sister down to the garage to see it. It's good to have an adorable girl like you around he said to her earlier, down by the pool. She smiled and some of her shyness fell away. This was an answer he understood.
If he passes, it will be a miracle -- not the ordinary drop down from Heaven kind of miracle that Hollywood and bad preachers tell us to pray for -- but the kind of miracle that takes hard work and good and patient people coming together faithfully to accomplish the task at hand. Even after they've been handed a bucket with a hole or a dull knife.
I just wish I could have your brain Dad! This comes out of nowhere, a voice from the very backseat joining our conversation full of 10 cent words. We were driving somewhere, probably laughing or eating ice cream, some combination of the 7 of us out for a ride or a new view of the world. Little Rat's brain often works this way: non sequiturs are his valentines, funny little love poems that might get lost in translation if your ear is untrained. We tease him about this still, but yesterday I stopped and asked myself if I'd give up a few IQ points for the cause? All the times my own neurons served me well -- SAT scores, AP exams, the philosophy paper I wrote in a handful of hours while everyone else labored for weeks -- would I settle for a little less of the success that has come so easy to see Little Rat succeed at what he finds so hard?
He wants to be an artist. He talks about it all the time and with such wistfulness that I sometimes don't know what to say; people's dreams can be a minefield over which a tightrope is strung for you to walk. There's American Idol and then there's the American Dream and there is the danger of one overtaking the other. A few weeks ago Little Rat brought home "Boy Sleeping in Clouds." Last weekend he took Squirrel's little sister down to the garage to see it. It's good to have an adorable girl like you around he said to her earlier, down by the pool. She smiled and some of her shyness fell away. This was an answer he understood.
20 May 2007
exitus in dubio est
Did you hear the shot ring out? I swear you could, even from where you're sitting.
The smell of death always follows the sound, like a dog follows a boy through the woods, the dead leaves disintegrating beneath their tread.
Are you well? Well, are you?
Damn Sam.
Blue. Moon. River.
Song. Wrong. Longing.
Night is a wish and a weariness, woven together into a pair of wings.
I'll fly away home.
The smell of death always follows the sound, like a dog follows a boy through the woods, the dead leaves disintegrating beneath their tread.
Are you well? Well, are you?
Damn Sam.
Blue. Moon. River.
Song. Wrong. Longing.
Night is a wish and a weariness, woven together into a pair of wings.
I'll fly away home.
18 May 2007
today, today i am okay with being a sentimental hack
The Sea and Sky have traded places today and misty grey-blue air swirls around our heads in waves. Walking down the street feels like swimming only better because the air rushes into your lungs instead of out and you float up instead of sinking to the bottom where there is no light by which to read the map's particular xs and os.
I love paper too much. My palms fall for the smooth flat expanses-- the way the fiber meets the ridges of my fingers, promising me something, all the while knowing that I won't deliver.
Last night he said I don't embrace the things I truly want and something else, something about my beautiful scar and how lovely is the word bruise. I knew what he was saying about the insecurity and the allure of failure in our personal lives, our professional pursuits; how theory seems the safest, easiest route up and out of our paralytic valleys; the appeal of solipsism and staying alone. It is the action & the choosing that will deliver us to high places when the rains start, though. I know this to be true and can't unknow it so I find a stamp this morning and send away for an answer to a question that I've asked everyone but myself.
If you are looking for something to cling to, try this:
Avogadro's Constant (a mole) = 6.002214179 x 10^23
A mole of hydrogen molecules = 6.002214179 x 10^23 Hydrogen molecules
A mole of shiny green apples = 6.002214179 x 10^23 shiny green apples
If you are looking for something to make you feel small, try this:
In the known universe there are about 4 x 10^22 observable stars (which is only about 1/10th of a mole). Still, if there were only 3 bumble bees flying over the sky stretching over the continent of Europe, the sky stretching over the continent of Europe would be more densely packed with bumble bees than the universe is packed with stars.
I love paper too much. My palms fall for the smooth flat expanses-- the way the fiber meets the ridges of my fingers, promising me something, all the while knowing that I won't deliver.
Last night he said I don't embrace the things I truly want and something else, something about my beautiful scar and how lovely is the word bruise. I knew what he was saying about the insecurity and the allure of failure in our personal lives, our professional pursuits; how theory seems the safest, easiest route up and out of our paralytic valleys; the appeal of solipsism and staying alone. It is the action & the choosing that will deliver us to high places when the rains start, though. I know this to be true and can't unknow it so I find a stamp this morning and send away for an answer to a question that I've asked everyone but myself.
If you are looking for something to cling to, try this:
Avogadro's Constant (a mole) = 6.002214179 x 10^23
A mole of hydrogen molecules = 6.002214179 x 10^23 Hydrogen molecules
A mole of shiny green apples = 6.002214179 x 10^23 shiny green apples
If you are looking for something to make you feel small, try this:
In the known universe there are about 4 x 10^22 observable stars (which is only about 1/10th of a mole). Still, if there were only 3 bumble bees flying over the sky stretching over the continent of Europe, the sky stretching over the continent of Europe would be more densely packed with bumble bees than the universe is packed with stars.
17 May 2007
Outline of "Another Day/Another $"
17 May 2006
5th Period
I. MORNING & COMMUTE
1. Girl wakes to sun painting shadows of leaves on face
A. delighted by chlorophyll filled start despite rampant allergies
B. She digs through boxes to find dress with leaf pattern to simulate experience for remainder of day
a. orange shoe missing
i. hair haywire
ii. bloodshot eyes
C. clothes rack knocks over plant
a. She leaves dirt on floor
2. Girl almost misses D6 bus, but makes it in nick of time after running down street
A. Jam packed with over-serious professional type commuters
a. Filled with longing for H1 bus with kids and old/crazy/sick people and students
i. Her misanthropic side rears head
B. She reads short story "Handful of Ball-Points, A Heartful of Love" by Henry Swados
a. Filled with repentance for earlier hideous thoughts towards fellow humans/commuters coughing on back of neck while trying to get to work
C. 11 minutes late for work
a. Boss MIA
i. No Big Deal for Girl
II. INDUSTRY is a VIRTUE
1. Outlook Inbox filled with 64 messages requiring immediate attention
A. Since Thursday, Girl ignores messages in favor of reading Dear Prudence on SLATE
B. First message: "evrytighgb is all fckfed upp. need yu to cabll soehne /nd fex it. You wll fihgure it out. Bonusu powints"
2. She realizes that boss is unusually hysterical and is faced with determining cause and finding solution
A. Problems = glitches in important events
a. Solutions = ridiculous stunts executed by Girl
i. search for bottle of special brandy at 4 liquor stores
ii. call 16 people to find replacement speaker
iii. convince 9-month pregnant woman to skip doctors appointment to speak to room of over-indulged babies in men's bodies
iv. buy new tie for boss due to spilt coffee
v. plead with hotel staff to work technological miracles
B. Despite her best efforts, boss FLIPS out and screams in front of 5o people
a. Girl wish for tranquilizer gun (for him)
C. Feeling guilty for outbursat, boss sends Girl up to bar at Ritz
a. Girl meets Italian man and
i. Together they eat chocolate mousse and drink champagne
b. piano player plays "You Belong to Me" - same song that has run through girl's head for days
i. She thinks of Grandmother singing same song and
ii. wishes to be with Grandmother instead of Luca from Salerno, though Luca is attractive in obvious foreign-type ways
D. Receives tickets to Party at Zoo
III. Zoo Party
1. Girl walks around zoo with fine fine friend on cool calm evening
A. Food and wine from every restaurant in the city
a. She eats more chocolate mousse. Also mashed potatoes, sausage, and hummus.
a. Lots of people, objects to trip over while trying to talk, eat, see animals
i. Girl spills red wine on dress
B. They look for animals
a. see only elephant, emu and chipmunk
i. She remembers general distaste for zoo, circus etc.
2. Girl learns new word from fine fine friend: anneal
A. "1 a : to heat and then cool (as steel or glass) usually for softening and making less brittle; to STRENGTHEN or TOUGHEN
B. Girl concludes on metro ride home that day has been one of annealizationa.
a.Girl decides to worry about long term effects of annealization on mind, heart, outlook etc. tomorrow.
i. Or next day.
5th Period
I. MORNING & COMMUTE
1. Girl wakes to sun painting shadows of leaves on face
A. delighted by chlorophyll filled start despite rampant allergies
B. She digs through boxes to find dress with leaf pattern to simulate experience for remainder of day
a. orange shoe missing
i. hair haywire
ii. bloodshot eyes
C. clothes rack knocks over plant
a. She leaves dirt on floor
2. Girl almost misses D6 bus, but makes it in nick of time after running down street
A. Jam packed with over-serious professional type commuters
a. Filled with longing for H1 bus with kids and old/crazy/sick people and students
i. Her misanthropic side rears head
B. She reads short story "Handful of Ball-Points, A Heartful of Love" by Henry Swados
a. Filled with repentance for earlier hideous thoughts towards fellow humans/commuters coughing on back of neck while trying to get to work
C. 11 minutes late for work
a. Boss MIA
i. No Big Deal for Girl
II. INDUSTRY is a VIRTUE
1. Outlook Inbox filled with 64 messages requiring immediate attention
A. Since Thursday, Girl ignores messages in favor of reading Dear Prudence on SLATE
B. First message: "evrytighgb is all fckfed upp. need yu to cabll soehne /nd fex it. You wll fihgure it out. Bonusu powints"
2. She realizes that boss is unusually hysterical and is faced with determining cause and finding solution
A. Problems = glitches in important events
a. Solutions = ridiculous stunts executed by Girl
i. search for bottle of special brandy at 4 liquor stores
ii. call 16 people to find replacement speaker
iii. convince 9-month pregnant woman to skip doctors appointment to speak to room of over-indulged babies in men's bodies
iv. buy new tie for boss due to spilt coffee
v. plead with hotel staff to work technological miracles
B. Despite her best efforts, boss FLIPS out and screams in front of 5o people
a. Girl wish for tranquilizer gun (for him)
C. Feeling guilty for outbursat, boss sends Girl up to bar at Ritz
a. Girl meets Italian man and
i. Together they eat chocolate mousse and drink champagne
b. piano player plays "You Belong to Me" - same song that has run through girl's head for days
i. She thinks of Grandmother singing same song and
ii. wishes to be with Grandmother instead of Luca from Salerno, though Luca is attractive in obvious foreign-type ways
D. Receives tickets to Party at Zoo
III. Zoo Party
1. Girl walks around zoo with fine fine friend on cool calm evening
A. Food and wine from every restaurant in the city
a. She eats more chocolate mousse. Also mashed potatoes, sausage, and hummus.
a. Lots of people, objects to trip over while trying to talk, eat, see animals
i. Girl spills red wine on dress
B. They look for animals
a. see only elephant, emu and chipmunk
i. She remembers general distaste for zoo, circus etc.
2. Girl learns new word from fine fine friend: anneal
A. "1 a : to heat and then cool (as steel or glass) usually for softening and making less brittle; to STRENGTHEN or TOUGHEN
B. Girl concludes on metro ride home that day has been one of annealizationa.
a.Girl decides to worry about long term effects of annealization on mind, heart, outlook etc. tomorrow.
i. Or next day.
14 May 2007
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